The Myths of Dominance
Part 2

Myth No. 2 – Knowing How to Dominate is Innate

How many times have we heard a Dominant proclaim that they are a “natural” dominant or that they were “born this way”?  Certainly the predisposition may have been there from an early age.  However just because someone has a preference to be in charge does not mean they are automatically good at it.  If one looks at people who are viewed by those around them as good leaders are consistently working on the things that make them that way.  The reason we refer to leadership skills is because effective leadership does require specific skills. 

People, as a general rule, don’t follow along just because.  People are inspired to follow someone.  They follow because they usually have goals they want to obtain and they feel the leader in question can get them there.  They trust their well being to that leader because something in that leader has inspired that trust.  Dominants need to remember that the people who follow them don’t have to – they choose to.  The trust in a leader is a fragile thing.  It is dynamic and the inspiration needs to continue.  If a submissive loses trust in the Dominant’s ability to lead effectively, the relationship is in serious jeopardy.  As submissives occasionally point out, they don’t need a Dominant to make crappy decisions for them – they are perfectly capable of doing that on their own.  The reason for having a leader it that they are able to take you somewhere you aren’t able to go on your own.

Everyone at some point in their life has probably had a boss or someone in some leadership position that they have looked up to as someone who is a good leader.  What makes someone a good leader, a benevolent autocrat that inspires others to move heaven and earth for them?  What skills do we look for when we are looking for a good Ds relationship leader?  What tools can someone use to be an effective leader?

Skills

Skill #1 – Honesty

People may be surprised to find that honesty is a skill, however the ability to communicate with someone in an honest manner, particularly if the message is an unpleasant one is not particularly innate.  There is a human tendency to not want to tell people things that will produce a negative reaction.  One of the main justifications one hears for dishonesty is that the person doing the lying did not want to hurt the other person with the truth.  Although there are exceptions, for the most part this is self-serving in that the bad new deliver really does not want to have to face the consequences and negative reaction of the other person.  However, those who are in search of a leader generally do not consider people who have trouble dealing with others around unpleasantness as good prospects for the position.  A leader is generally viewed as someone who can deliver bad news honestly, deal with the fallout, and move on.

Skill #2 – Consistency

Nothing is more frustrating for those following than to have a leader who changes course on a whim.  Good leaders are seen as people who have a plan, have mapped out a course and follow through on it, making adjustments on the way as necessary, but not changing their minds in a seemingly random manner.  For someone in relationship with a Dominant, it is important to be able to rely on the Dominant’s reaction to specific behaviors and activities and it is important to be able to anticipate to a certain extent.  If the Dominant is erratic, it reduces the effectiveness of their leadership.  Those who follow them are not able to trust in the vision the Dominant has because the Dominant themselves have trouble translating their vision into reality.  For Ds relationships where discipline and punishment are part of the mix, consistency becomes particularly important.  Trust can be seriously damaged by a Dominant whose pattern of being punishing happens, for example to track to the level of stress they are having at the workplace.  Consistency in behavior and enforcement of rules creates trust and a certain level of predictability at the core. 

Skill #3 – Clarity

If the people around you frequently misunderstand or misinterpret what you’re saying, chances are that they’re not stupid, but rather that your communication style is ineffective.  When giving instructions, it helps to make a mental outline of what you want to communicate – key points and clear descriptions of specific tasks to be performed.  This is important particularly if tasks need to be completed in a certain order.  In developing clear communication styles, it can help to put things in writing first before sitting down and talking about them.  This gives structure to the discussion and is a way of ensuring that nothing is left out.  Again, clear, understandable behavior and communication goes a long way in getting people to follow.  Be clear, then get out of the way.

Skill #4 – Communication

Communication of goals, ideas and method are important to effective leadership.  Although, as with anything, there are exceptions, most people like to know why they are doing something, how decisions will impact them and they like to be part of the decision making process, even if they are not making the final decision.  If there is communication and participation, even if the decision turns out to be a poor one, everyone has ownership and there won’t be resentment against the leader for making a unilateral decision that proved to be stupid.  There are Dominants who feel that communicating with their submissives isn’t necessary – that the submissive is there to obey and that understanding goals and reasons isn’t necessary.  However, unless the Dominant makes perfect decisions every time, the effect of pure unilateral, unaided decision making is that, not only is the Dominant not making use of all assets and information available, but each bad decision erodes the trust of submissive in the leadership skills of the Dominant. 

Skill #5 – Patience

Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Neither is a relationship.  People, Dominants and submissives alike have bad days.  They make bad decisions.  They exercise poor judgment.  They get cranky.  Life gets in the way.  Learning to roll with the punches and not get mired in details are generally considered skills that good leaders have honed.  When things go askew, clarity of communication, refocusing on end goals and being consistent in dealing with the situation will help provide ongoing trust in the leader’s capabilities.

Skill #6 – Ability to see a Global Perspective

As pointed out earlier, people follow because they believe the leader has the ability to get them somewhere they do not feel they can go on their own.  In order to be able to do this, a leader needs to take into account, not only their own perspective and needs, but the perspective and needs of those around them.  Although submissives sometimes declare that they only want what their Dominant wants, the reality of humans is that everyone has individual needs and desires.  Altruism has limits.  Although people can subjugate their needs to another, basic human psychology dictates that, at some point the person will want their own needs met.  If someone sees their leader making decisions with apparent disregard for the effect it will have on those under their command, their desire to follow will disintegrate.  This is readily apparent if one looks at military hierarchy – leaders who have lost the faith of their followers, particularly in times of war, frequently end up deposed, circumvented or even dead. 
Sometimes Dominants fall into the ego trap of doing something “because they can”.  However because one can doesn’t make something a good idea. 

All of these skills are things that can be worked on and refined.  Although some people are born with these skills as part of their personality, most people have to work on them.  The people who we generally identify as good leaders have these skills.  Those are the people that inspire others to follow them – in short they are the ones who are good Dominants in the long run.

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