The
Myths of Dominance
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There is a widespread notion that somehow there exists a Holy Grail of “True Dominance”. Once partaking of this Grail, one becomes a fountain of wisdom, a clear, just and fair leader and the embodiment of chivalric virtues in the style of King Arthur. Once one has imbibed, one’s domly virtues are then apparent for all to see and the dominant will be instantly recognizable as such by other dominants and revered as True Dominants by submissives far and wide. The reality is that dominants are not knighted, nominated or otherwise conferred their title. They are self-identified. There are no objective criteria for determine who qualifies as a dominant. There is no certification program, no tests to pass, no hurdles to jump. You are a dominant if you decide you are. You are a functional dominant if someone else agrees with you. Because of the myth that being dominant somehow confers a whole array of positive character attributes, there is a natural attachment on the part of many to their title of dominant. They feel their label will automatically communicate to the rest of the world the fact that they have all the positive character attributes that are part of the dominant package. They become a Knight of the Round Table, the Queen of the Realm, the God or Goddess of the universe with all the goodies. When in a relationship with someone who responds to a dominant’s self identification in a submissive manner, the Deity of the Universe, or at very least the Wise Teacher role can work. At that point, the dominant has already exhibited qualities or personality attributes that inspire submission in the other person. The issue arises when a dominant feels that, because they have inspired submission in one person, that they will automatically inspire it in others. When a submissive is not inspired to submission in their presence, there is then the assumption that somehow the submissive is “not real” because they were unable to recognize the dominant as such and respond in awe and submission. Dominance and submission can be viewed as a dance. Just because someone else knows how to dance does not mean they are an appropriate dance partner. They may not dance the same steps as you; they may not like the same music. Because two people are not suited to be dance partners does not mean that either one of them is not a dancer. It is part of the dominant’s job not to fall into the True Dominant Trap. The key to this is to have a realistic view of oneself. It can be helpful to take an inventory of one’s strengths and weaknesses as a person, as opposed to as a dominant. Once the inventory has been taken, it’s good to have an impartial reality check. See if your self-assessment is a realistic one. Check in with others who know you well. Although it can be tempting to brush off the reality check with “I don’t care what other people think”, the reality is that, to a certain extent people DO care what others think, even if those others are simply our circle of family, friends and lovers. Having a realistic view of oneself is one of the cornerstones to inspiring submission in others. Very few people have a lot of patience in the long term with someone who presents themselves as something they are not. The ability to suspend disbelief around the infallibility of another decreases sharply over time, whereas the ability to interact positively with someone whose self-view is realistic does not. The ability to see oneself through the eyes of others gives one a greater ability to navigate both social situations, but more importantly key relationship issues. The key is to see oneself realistically - once one does that the world will follows suit.
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