The Essential Domme
Notes from the Dungeon Part 1

FROM THE CORE

Effective dominance comes from the core of the person.  No amount of fetish wear or powerful looking garments can make a domme out of a woman who hasn't worked on her power and grace within. Having a collection of great toys won't make you a great domme either. It just means that you know where to shop... It doesn't mean that you know how to use the tools to create the desired effect that pleases you the most. The same goes for skills. Knowing a lot of techniques alone does not make you a great domme. It'll make you a decent top, but that's different than being a dominant. You might be a good service top, a lovely submissive sadist, and a fine sadist, but these are, again, different than being a domme.  Conversely, you can be dressed in nothing more than ordinary, daily clothing, using no equipment and displaying no particular flashy techniques, and still demonstrate deep and powerful dominance.

Let's talk about some of the basic core strengths of the good dominant ...

1. Know the domain of your influence.

A good domme always understands when dominant behavior is appropriate. She knows when to go into domme headspace and when to turn it off. She knows that she is not in a D/s relationship with the entire world. She knows that the tone and attitude of dominance wielded upon unconsenting people around her will only earn her their contempt and disrespect. She knows that such behavior is displayed only by the misguided, insecure and bullying. She doesn't condescend to business people she has dealings with. She treats them with kindness. She doesn't assume strangers will bow to her powers. She treats them with the respect that all humans deserve. She doesn't let the dominant energy bleed into the egalitarian relationship once a hot scene has ended.

2. Confidence is the root of power

A good domme understands that the ultimate dominant aphrodisiac for the sub is genuine self-confidence. Sometimes it may come off as cocky-ness, but the difference between the cocky and the self-confident is the source of validation. The cocky needs to see her greatness reflected in the eyes of others, while the confidant simply knows she's great. The good domme has taken inventory of and is comfortable with her own talents, skill assets and strengths. She is confident enough to see her own flaws clearly.

3. If a dominant cracks a whip in the woods and there are no submissives is she still a domme?

Absolutely! A good domme is not defined by the other, in this case the submissive, but rather she is defined by a sense of self and comfort in her own identity as an erotically dominant woman. She knows that it is false confidence to need to define oneself by the others around her. Every dominant from time to time will find herself alone, whether by circumstance or by choice. She knows that her relationship status does not change who she is fundamentally.

4. Seduce... not Force

The good dominant knows that the ultimate power is that of persuasion. To get them to want to do for you what you command of them. Any fool with a fearsome enough weapon can force another against his will to do things. That's the power of the brutish, fearful and those lacking in self-confidence. It's down right annoying! The art is in bringing out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive by the domme's persuasive powers, confidence and graceful seduction.

As my favorite leather teacher, Joseph Bean, loves to say... The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.

5. Humility begets Respect

The good domme understands that she must be humble in the presence of the magic that she invokes... That magic of wondrous connection created in the arena of genuine D/s. There is a moment, during the most amazing scenes, where the rest of the world melts away, leaving a universe of two... the domme and the sub. In a universe of two, she is god, for that brief moment and in that time warped space. To accept that, one must be humble. She must know that she is but a mortal woman at all other times.
Such humility has an amazing effect of calming an individual, bringing an air of grace and elegance that is so alluring. This sincere humility and consequent grace earns a quiet respect from others around her and most certainly from her submissive.

Without respect, there is no leadership. Without leadership, there is no dominance, only brute domineering.

6. How to get their submission?

Give respect and gratitude to your sub

The good domme knows the value of respect and thanks given to submission and service well executed. Even the cool and aloof have their ways of showing respect and thanks. The good domme respects the humanity of the submissive even after the most intense objectification scene. She is thankful for their act of submission given, even when it may appear externally as if it were wrenched from them. She knows that it is the submissive who chooses surrender. She knows how difficult true surrender is and is in awe of that. She knows that it takes the truly strong and self-aware to fully submit and she shows gratitude for that.

The good domme knows that the limits and emotional vulnerabilities of another must be respected. That includes respecting the limits of a non-participating party to not have to deal with wantonly splattered dominant attitude. It includes respecting the limits placed by the submissive for such respect of them leads to them feeling safe with her. Such sense of safety often leads to deeper surrender previously not ventured into.

As a dear friend of mine, David V said: "Always be respectful in spirit, even if the scene is not."

7. Be honest in these things... Your desires, your limits, your flaws and errors.

The good domme knows clearly what she enjoys in kink play. If she doesn't she'll simply be pushed this way and that by the desires and projected expectations of others of her... like a leaf pushed around in the currents of a fast river... always haunted by a vague sense of helplessness and lack of control. What's a dominant if she doesn't have control over her own pleasure?

The good domme knows her limits and displeasures just as well as her thrills. Setting boundaries gracefully such that the submissives want to respect them is the art of the polished domme.
She also knows where her flaws and weaknesses are and simply accept them. She is strong enough to know that covering up with bravado and pretending such flaws don't exist is the game of the sad shell game of the insecure domme. She is, after all, comfortable in her humanity. She also knows where her technical limitations are and know how to work around them to avoid undue risk. She knows when to seek more learning of such skills and does so without making each step of dominance education a battle of egos.

When she makes an error, which she knows must happen from time to time, she knows the error made and acknowledges it. Then she does what needs to be done to correct the situation, check with the sub and moves on. She neither over reacts nor does she ignore the errors.

8. Decisiveness is enthralling.

The good domme knows to approach dominance with decisiveness. Each action is committed with mindfulness, whether arrived to by conscious thought and decision making or by instinct. The person who openly waffles in the act appears to have no control. She appears to have no control over even her own thought. It is fine to wonder and consider choices in one's mind. It is even fine to seek counsel and advice. Do that with decisiveness as well.

The good domme knows that with such decisiveness also comes the potential for her making the less than optimal choices. This is the awareness of consequences. She takes responsibility for her actions and, once again with decisiveness, grace and compassion, will handle the consequences.

My dear readers..

This brings to conclusion my occasional installment on The Essential Domme - Notes from the Dungeon. Perhaps you have a question on the foundations of being the best domme of your own potential. Please send me questions and I'll enjoy the opportunity to address them. Just an e-mail to midori@FHP-inc.com

P. S. A personal pet peeve aired ...

As a side note ... I've noticed a rather odd phenomenon in the last three to four years... I'm finding that people from some communities are pronouncing the word "Domme" with the final vowel pronounced... as if they are saying "Dommay." The final "e" is silent... as in "Blonde" and "Femme." This new-fangled pronunciation doesn't make sense to many of us in the kink community and does grate on the ears.
I can't decide if it's worse than saying "subbie" which to me sounds rather diminutive, diminishing and insulting to a seasoned submissive.

With pervy wishes,
Fetish Diva Midori

Back to Main Page