Introduction to Real Life BDSM

Just as there is an online D/s or BDSM "community", there is also one in real time. Most major metropolitan cities have BDSM support groups and these groups are loosely connected to groups in other cities. There are annual events, seminars and contests that people routinely attend and where they get to know others with similar interests. These organizations and events also offer seminars and workshops for skill improvement and discussion of issues unique to the lifestyle.

People who are initially exposed to the lifestyle through online only are frequently surprised at how different the "real time" community is and how varied its members are. If one were to base one's knowledge on the online environment one would conclude that the vast majority of people who populate the scene are Dominant men and submissive women; some are very surprised to find out that not all women are submissive and not all men are dominant. Also, many whose experience began online aren't aware of the impact of the gay leather community on the heterosexual leather community. Many of the safety and consensuality issues that we take for granted were originated there, as well as a number of protocols.

The community at large is made up of much more than Dominants, submissives, Masters (or Mistresses) and slaves. There are also Tops, bottoms, switches, Daddies, boys, girls, puppies, ponies, TV's and a whole variety of people who defy definition. Not everyone is into Dominance and submission. Even those who are may be into it in a whole variety of degrees, from bedroom only to very encompassing.

In the community, there are no generally accepted definitions for what constitutes a "slave", a "submissive", a "Master", etc. There is no such thing as "proper behavior for a sub" for example. There is an understanding that people are expected to be people in social situations, no matter what their position is in their personal relationship. The same goes true for Dominants. A Dominant who "acts like a Dominant" to all and sundry is very likely to be regarded in low esteem by the community as a whole. BDSM organizations have collapsed because the leadership has been too busy pretending their role as "a Dominant" is appropriate when in fact, compromise and working as a team is necessary. The same thing holds true for a submissive who becomes useless on a Board of Directors if they are constantly looking to the Dominants for direction.

It is important to try to identify where one fits into the puzzle. Because online tends to distill to Dominant/submissive it can be a hard place for a Top, bottom or switch to feel accepted. People who do not enjoy dominance and submission but enjoy topping or bottoming tend to be dismissed as "players" who are somehow not serious about the lifestyle. Switches are not accepted as being "real" in their capacity as either Dominant or submissive - even if their partners view it otherwise. There tends to be a big emphasis on "what is a Dom" or "what is a sub" and what constitutes the behavior of "good Doms/true Doms/good subs/true subs". The sneer of not being a "true" whatever is one that is consistently seen in the online community; an accusation leveled at those who simply don't agree with someone else's "one true way" of doing BDSM.

The fact is that it's important to figure out where one's true interests lie. Many bottoms have ended up doing things with their partners that they don't enjoy in order to get to do the stuff they do enjoy. They end up kneeling with a collar and a leash because they think that's what they need to do in order to get a flogging, even though they find the whole kneeling/collar/leash exercise to be supremely silly. The key is finding people whose interests are compatible. There are Dominants out there that aren't into collars and leashes either, but are perfectly happy to give out a nice flogging. One wants to avoid situations where one pairs someone who enjoys intense physical play with someone whose big turn is mental domination. Those can be avoided if everyone is honest about what turns them on in both fantasy and reality.

Labels are fundamentally meaningless; what's important is the dynamic between individuals. Trying to categorize groups of people into neat boxes of "dominant", "submissive" etc. can be useful as a means of doing a rough sort based on general interest. However when applied to individuals it can break down; one woman in New York highlights this by jokingly referring to herself as a "Bisexual Dominant Masochist Service Bottom". It's much more effective to sit with someone and get them to give you an honest assessment of their interests and individual wants and desires.

Again, when exploring the community as a novice and when transitioning from an online environment to a real world one, it's important to be honest with oneself as to what one wants and desires. It's important not to be swayed by people who tell you that what your interests are don't "fit" and that you're not a good (fill in the label). The real goal is to find someone who is compatible with one, not for one to bend to fit someone else's ideal of what's right. Getting to know as many people as possible is vital. The more people one meets the more one sees that the community is a diverse and complex tapestry of people doing their own variant of BDSM in the way that suits themselves and their partners best.

Back to Main Page