Multiple relationships are very common
in the BDSM community. We look around us and see a lot of leather
families, that seem to not only be functioning, but in fact, are
thriving. Many of us enjoy variety and want to try to create our own
version of the leather family.
In talking to people who are trying to create healthy multiple
relationships, a common thread is the number of false starts. A lot of
this comes from pre-conceived notions about how relationships work and
how creating a relationship fits in with a BDSM relationship. This is
particularly true in BDSM relationships with clearly defined Dominant
and submissive roles and where they do not switch with each other.
Define what you want
No, this isn't about whether you want
tall, short, blonde, brunette or whatever. This is about what you and
the existing people in the relationship want the group dynamic to look
like. This is about structure and hierarchy. Will you be a group
marriage? Will you be a couple who is adding a third partner as a
secondary-type of relationship? What will be the hierarchy within the
group - will all members be peers or will some be subordinate to
others? How will living/sleeping arrangements be addressed?
Be honest with your existing group
Adding members to an existing couple
or group should be a group decision. Defining changes in structure
should be done with group consensus. Although sometimes the temptation
is for the primary Dominant in the group to order the submissive(s) to
accept the decision and hence, whoever is added, from a practical
standpoint this is a good way for the additional partner to be poorly
received. The end result is frequently infighting and destructive
jealousy.
Be honest with your potential
addition to the group
Anyone joining your group has the
right to know what the current structure is and where they would
potentially fit in. If you do not intend for them to ever be more than
a secondary relationship, they need to know that, just as much as if
you hope that eventually they will move in and you will all live
communally. Obviously, things may change a long with time, but you
have a responsibility to share the vision of the group with anyone who
may consider joining you.
Allow all members of the group to
look for additions to the relationship
In Dominant/submissive relationships
in particular, it seems to be most effective to allow the submissive
to pursue potential new members. In general, it is wise to allow the
partner(s) who will potentially feel the most threatened by inclusion
of an additional person to do the bulk of the "shopping". That way
they feel like they have a say and it will reduce the possibility of
passive resistance if the submissive doesn't like or is not attracted
to the person the Dominant has selected.
Encourage group members to pursue
independent friendships and relationships
Frequently, a secondary relationship
initiated by a member of the group as an independent relationship will
evolve into inclusion as part of the greater group. Additionally,
although it may go against the grain of what Dominant/submissive
relationships are supposed to be about, a situation where the Dominant
can have as many submissives as he or she likes, but the submissives
are totally reliant on the Dominant for their emotional and sexual
needs tends to create a situation where the submissives don't get
their needs met. In the long run, this can lead to resentment and
jealousy. It is more practical to create a situation where everyone
can get what they need. Additionally, sometimes a member of the group
will bring fun ideas explored in an outside relationship home for the
rest of the group to enjoy.
Talk about problems
Jealousy in particular is an emotion
that does not occur in a void. Jealousy is a manifestation of other
underlying feelings. Most of the time when a partner is jealous they
are actually expressing fears of abandonment or feelings of no longer
being loved. Personality conflicts are an issue also - dealing with
annoyance at how someone brushes their teeth upfront is a good way of
preventing that annoying from evolving into annoyance at how they
brush their teeth and how they wash their hair and how they flush the
toilet.
Make sure that existing partners
feel included
Sometimes a new relationship can be
such that one person in the relationship may not balance the attention
they focus on a new relationship well with the relationships they
already have. Existing partners should be kept informed if a member of
the group is starting to explore a new relationship. The person doing
the exploring needs to be conscious of the feelings of the people
already in the relationship. The temptation to take the existing
members "for granted' can be strong in light of the headiness of
emotion that frequently accompanies a new relationship. Making sure to
emphasize to existing members of the group that they are still cared
for and loved and wanted will reduce a lot of the conflicts that can
occur with a new relationship.
Communicate your needs
One of the common fears of people in
the existing relationship is that their needs won't get met by the
other members of the group. However, in many cases, the other members
of the group, not being omniscient, aren't really aware of what these
needs are. Stating and acknowledging needs clearly and honestly is
crucial to everyone feeling able to get them met.
Take your time
Be patient and allow the relationship
to evolve on its own. Don't push members of your group to be sexual
with new members if they don't feel so inclined. Allow components of
the relationship to progress naturally. Don't try to force intimacy -
let it grow on its own.
Be flexible
Keep in mind that the structure and
ideals that the group may have envisioned may not work in real life.
Someone that was originally brought in as partner to one member of the
group may fall in love with another. Someone who appeared initially to
be a suitable addition may turn out not to be. Someone who was an
active member of the relationship may decide that the structure is not
what they need at this point in their lives. Allow the relationship to
take the course that is natural for it, even if it's not a course that
was envisioned initially. However, make sure that all members are
active partners in sustaining and moving the relationship.
Have fun
If you get to a point where you spend
a large amount of time managing emotional issues within the
relationship, you aren't leaving any time for fun. Although
relationships aren't always easy, they're not meant to be a mindless
lurching from drama to drama. If you're working too hard at it,
there's something wrong and it's time to sit back and figure out why
the relationship isn't fun anymore.
Multiple relationships aren't for everyone. However, many of the
people who are in long term multiple relationships will tell you that,
even though they can be more work than traditional monogamy, they find
the relationships they have now more fulfilling and, in fact, cannot
envision going back to a traditional monogamous relationship. Adding
new members is half the challenge - but if undertaken thoughtfully and
carefully, the basic math works out to everyone's benefit.